I am trying to make more involving maps by adding story elements. Previous feedback on my missions have been that the story was cheesy and lacking, and that spelling errors where abundant. So I was hoping that by posting the script for the map here I could get some feedback on that story and sort out spelling errors before I upload my mission.
SCRIPT:
TomJane, wait.
Did you get my message?
JaneYes. I want to thank you again. My mother would be worried sick if she did not get any sign of life from me.
TomShe is a sweet lady. I think she would be even more worried if she knew what you where doing for a living.
JaneShe live such a calm and peaceful life. It was a long time since I was content with peace and quiet.
TomI know. I'm of the same sort.
Are you heading out on an assignment?
JaneYes. A mere routine mission, it's not even classified. We're just escorting some engineers to a broken Psi Command on some world.
TomDon't let the Zerglings bite.
JaneI won't. Let's get togheter for a drink when I return.
TomYeah. I'm looking forward to it. Take care.
JaneBye.
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AdjutantAll signals from the Psi Command Center has vanished from our sensors. The device should be located in near proximity of the landing site.
JaneOk, guys. While the Psi Command is offline the Zerg is cranky and aggresive. We need to find the Psi Emitter and mark it so our engineers can find it and fix it.
JaneThis planet used to be a colony. The supplies they left us might be useful.
-
JaneThere is the Psi Command Center
Something is wrong here. This look like.. sabotage.
AdairIt's exactly what it is.
JaneWhat? Who are you?
AdairI'm one of those who have suffered from Bio-Tech's reckless operations. My employeers seek to destroy the Bio-Tech Company.
JaneHa. Well, we control countless Psi Command's. You'll have a hard time putting them all down. This will only lead our attention to you.
AdairMistake? No.. It lead you right into our arms, now, didn't it.. Jane.
JaneYou know who I am?
AdairOfcourse. The true mistake was sending such a prominent agent out on such a trivial mission. Bio-Tech should really go throught their own routines.
But then again, you know all about those routines, don't you?
And as such, you can prove very valuable to us.
AdjutantWe have lost contact with agent Jane Dias
Warning. An enemy fleet have emerged from a cloak field and are engaging our orbital command ship.
Sending a distress signal to the Bio-Tech Headquarters.
Hei ja, litt kult med landsmenn. Hvor i landet bor du?
Thank you for your help. I've already put the dialogue in the map so I might soon have this mission ready to go.
Thanks. I've actually tried to make an effort to write a somewhat decent story in my next missions, at least by my standards. I've never got the hang on crafting dialogue and writing a beliveable story.
Tom She is a sweet lady. I think she would be even more worried if she knew what you WERE doing for a living.
Jane She LIVES such a calm and peaceful life. It was a long time since I was content with peace and quiet.
Jane I won't. Let's get TOGETHER for a drink when I return.
Adjutant All signals from the Psi Command Center HAVE vanished from our sensors. The device should be located in near proximity of the landing site.
Jane Ok, guys. While the Psi Command is offline the Zerg ARE cranky and aggresive. We need to find the Psi Emitter and mark it so our engineers can find it and fix it.
Here, some mistakes corrected, check the capital letters. Without some more information of the whereabouts is still sounds... cheesy, although that's not the word I was looking for.
@njordys: Go I think the problem here isn't the conversation, the problem here is we don't feel the characters as we should when we read all that. Maybe a video with that conversation would be better. We need something to make the connection with the game and characters.
Don't worry too much about characters' lines right now. Try to make the situations and events interesting by themselves. Then you can work on each line. I'm working on a campaign based on Blizzard's books and believe me: if you read their lines disconnected from the events they can sound very lame or boring too.
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Curse PremiumHi. I am making a new mission on my Bio-Tech Campaign project
I am trying to make more involving maps by adding story elements. Previous feedback on my missions have been that the story was cheesy and lacking, and that spelling errors where abundant. So I was hoping that by posting the script for the map here I could get some feedback on that story and sort out spelling errors before I upload my mission.
SCRIPT:
Tom Jane, wait.
Did you get my message?
Jane Yes. I want to thank you again. My mother would be worried sick if she did not get any sign of life from me.
Tom She is a sweet lady. I think she would be even more worried if she knew what you where doing for a living.
Jane She live such a calm and peaceful life. It was a long time since I was content with peace and quiet.
Tom I know. I'm of the same sort.
Are you heading out on an assignment?
Jane Yes. A mere routine mission, it's not even classified. We're just escorting some engineers to a broken Psi Command on some world.
Tom Don't let the Zerglings bite.
Jane I won't. Let's get togheter for a drink when I return.
Tom Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Take care.
Jane Bye.
-Adjutant All signals from the Psi Command Center has vanished from our sensors. The device should be located in near proximity of the landing site.
Jane Ok, guys. While the Psi Command is offline the Zerg is cranky and aggresive. We need to find the Psi Emitter and mark it so our engineers can find it and fix it.
Jane This planet used to be a colony. The supplies they left us might be useful.
-Jane There is the Psi Command Center
Something is wrong here. This look like.. sabotage.
Adair It's exactly what it is.
Jane What? Who are you?
Adair I'm one of those who have suffered from Bio-Tech's reckless operations. My employeers seek to destroy the Bio-Tech Company.
Jane Ha. Well, we control countless Psi Command's. You'll have a hard time putting them all down. This will only lead our attention to you.
Adair Mistake? No.. It lead you right into our arms, now, didn't it.. Jane.
Jane You know who I am?
Adair Ofcourse. The true mistake was sending such a prominent agent out on such a trivial mission. Bio-Tech should really go throught their own routines.
But then again, you know all about those routines, don't you?
And as such, you can prove very valuable to us.
Adjutant We have lost contact with agent Jane Dias
Warning. An enemy fleet have emerged from a cloak field and are engaging our orbital command ship.
Sending a distress signal to the Bio-Tech Headquarters.
Norge, altså? Ikke verst. :D Rart jeg ikke har lagt merke til det før.
I've corrected some of your spelling errors:
She lives such a calm and peaceful life. It was a long time since I was content with peace and quiet.
That second sentence is a bit odd. Is she saying she is no longer content with peace and quiet? Because that is what I read.
Yes, a mere routine mission. It's not even classified. We're just escorting some engineers to a broken Psi Command on some world.
The comma fits better after the "yes". "It's not even classified" works best as its own sentence.
I won't. Let's get together for a drink when I return.
All signals from the Psi Command Center has vanished from our sensors. The device should be located in near proximity of the landing site.
"Near" and "proximity" mean the same thing.
Ofcourse. The true mistake was sending such a prominent agent out on such a trivial mission. Bio-Tech should really go through their own routines.
Warning. An enemy fleet have emerged from a cloaking field and are engaging our orbital command ship.
Most of this is pretty good. Only trivial mistakes, really.
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Curse Premium@EivindL: Go
Hei ja, litt kult med landsmenn. Hvor i landet bor du?
Thank you for your help. I've already put the dialogue in the map so I might soon have this mission ready to go.
Thanks. I've actually tried to make an effort to write a somewhat decent story in my next missions, at least by my standards. I've never got the hang on crafting dialogue and writing a beliveable story.
Guess I have to challenge myself on this :)
Here, some mistakes corrected, check the capital letters. Without some more information of the whereabouts is still sounds... cheesy, although that's not the word I was looking for.
Opprinnelig Steinkjer, men Trondheim nå.
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Curse PremiumI think I should get someone to write for me. Perhaps I could make missions for other people instead.
@EivindL: Go
Ah, Bergen her. Studerer du i Trondheim?
@njordys: Go I think the problem here isn't the conversation, the problem here is we don't feel the characters as we should when we read all that. Maybe a video with that conversation would be better. We need something to make the connection with the game and characters.
Don't worry too much about characters' lines right now. Try to make the situations and events interesting by themselves. Then you can work on each line. I'm working on a campaign based on Blizzard's books and believe me: if you read their lines disconnected from the events they can sound very lame or boring too.
Ja, jeg gjør det. Skal kanskje gå NHH i Bergen neste år da.
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Curse Premium@SoulFilcher: Go
I've already uploaded the mission With this dialogue. Perhaps it does work better within a map?
http://www.sc2mapster.com/media/files/672/781/BioTech1X.SC2Map
@EivindL: Go
Haha, stillig. Da sees vi kanskje en dag ;)
@njordys: Go
Most dialogue work better in its context.
Det kan godt hende.